It's been almost 3 months since my husband and I officially separated, almost 3 weeks since there's been no possibility of reconciling, and 3 days since I've found myself almost drowning in misery.
Today I took off my wedding ring. I haven't been wearing my engagement ring for a while because, with two little people requiring spontaneous cuddles, I found it was a hazard with those spikey claws. There is an indent on my finger where the ring has been and I'm looking at it wondering when it will disappear.
I have so many things I need to do but today I have just stopped. I've spent time with the boys and have found a new sense of 'everything will be ok' emerging. I know I will raise these boys well. They will of course be well looked after physically but emotionally is where I will really excel with them. Even now, before either of them can understand much of what is 'fair' or 'just', their behaviour has improved to the point of others noticing. Perhaps they understand on some level that there is less friction in their little worlds, or maybe it's just that they are thriving with the new comforting predictability. It's not that their days are boring or that we do the same things...just that my reactions - good and bad - are very consistant. I know they miss their Daddy though which is definitely contributing to my resolve to be a better parent and my awareness of many dark aspects of life. I know my eyes are wide open now and I'm no longer naive, if ever I was. When they are a little older I know they will find comfort in my absolute love of all things about them. They will understand, as others rarely have, that I am a very genuine person, that I value openness and honesty (but understand the need for their opposites to get along with others sometimes), that I will adore getting to know their individualities and do all I can to help them be comfortable withthem, and that I will always have time for them...no question. There are lots of things also which they will learn from me that I am yet to learn myself. I am constantly striving for balance in my world and the 'lighter' side of me (the side that holds all the positivity) is always growing.
So here we are. It feels like time to brush myself off and move forward. I've gained so much strength from some family members and friends (and specifically a group of extra special friends I met in an online parents' forum!) but I know I had a great deal in me all along. There is so much unpleasant-ness I have to attend to right now but, after the break of today, I'll take it in my stride knowing that I'm fighting for not only my happiness but also that of my boys. Things will be ok.
xxx
