Things will be ok

It's been almost 3 months since my husband and I officially separated, almost 3 weeks since there's been no possibility of reconciling, and 3 days since I've found myself almost drowning in misery.

Today I took off my wedding ring. I haven't been wearing my engagement ring for a while because, with two little people requiring spontaneous cuddles, I found it was a hazard with those spikey claws. There is an indent on my finger where the ring has been and I'm looking at it wondering when it will disappear.

I have so many things I need to do but today I have just stopped. I've spent time with the boys and have found a new sense of 'everything will be ok' emerging. I know I will raise these boys well. They will of course be well looked after physically but emotionally is where I will really excel with them. Even now, before either of them can understand much of what is 'fair' or 'just', their behaviour has improved to the point of others noticing. Perhaps they understand on some level that there is less friction in their little worlds, or maybe it's just that they are thriving with the new comforting predictability. It's not that their days are boring or that we do the same things...just that my reactions - good and bad - are very consistant. I know they miss their Daddy though which is definitely contributing to my resolve to be a better parent and my awareness of many dark aspects of life. I know my eyes are wide open now and I'm no longer naive, if ever I was. When they are a little older I know they will find comfort in my absolute love of all things about them. They will understand, as others rarely have, that I am a very genuine person, that I value openness and honesty (but understand the need for their opposites to get along with others sometimes), that I will adore getting to know their individualities and do all I can to help them be comfortable withthem, and that I will always have time for them...no question. There are lots of things also which they will learn from me that I am yet to learn myself. I am constantly striving for balance in my world and the 'lighter' side of me (the side that holds all the positivity) is always growing.

So here we are. It feels like time to brush myself off and move forward. I've gained so much strength from some family members and friends (and specifically a group of extra special friends I met in an online parents' forum!) but I know I had a great deal in me all along. There is so much unpleasant-ness I have to attend to right now but, after the break of today, I'll take it in my stride knowing that I'm fighting for not only my happiness but also that of my boys. Things will be ok.

xxx

Cute Santa Card

I haven't done much preparation for my intoduction to Stampin' Up! party in 2 weeks...I haven't even invited people yet! I have, however, decided that we're going to make this cute card I just designed and made. I always intended to have everyone make a card that was simple (it is an introduction afterall) and I think this card is simple and cute.

I had better start writing a guest list or I might be making this card by myself!

xxx

Winds of Change

It's windy today...very windy. I am mellow because I have let myself down in an area of my life I really need to take control of. I won't beat myself up over it though, instead, I'll use this space for getting it out into the world so I can let it go...make new goals, clean a room, and do some crafts!

I'll be back soon in a better frame of mind, I'm sure.

Breaking the 'sugar' drought!

I finally scrapbooked after a little over a year!

This page is of Remmy in Fiji the day before we got married. There's hidden journalling in the pocket bottom right that has a quote from Remmy describing how relaxed he felt but that he was very excited too. He does look relaxed here. Me? I was fairly relaxed but only because I didn't think about what we were about to do. ha ha. No really, I knew what we were getting ourselves into but I was always the more apprehensive of the two of us.

If you want to read about the gorgeous Stampin' Up! products I used (the LO is exclusively SU!) just head on over to the Cardinal Stampers blog (link in previous post).

What a slacker I have been to have left scrapping for that long. I'm only a slacker to myself though, I really love to scrap! I know I've been busy moving house, being pregnant and uncomfortable, and then having a baby and demanding toddler to contend with but it's so important to take the time to do those things that you enjoy...what's life without them? You could think about indulgent crafty type pursuits as 'sugar'...you crave it when you don't have enough, it gives you a 'high', and you can get it sensibly (natural sugars in fruit for instance...scrapping after all household chores are done for the day) or you can be a bit naughty and get your 'fix' in less wholesome ways (snacks with little nutritional value...stealing moments in the day while you really should be doing something else). Yes, I am very tired (as usual for my posts) so should really go to bed. All the household chores are done for the night now though, maybe I'll go and get some sugar...guilt-free!

Cardinal Stampers

In my sleepy state I forgot why I came on tonight...to post up a link to Stampin' Up! group blog Cardinal Stampers! http://cardinalstampers.blogspot.com/ We post up challenges for each other and encourage anyone to join in.

Here's a couple of my latest cards. If you want to know which products I've used just head on over to cardinal stampers and find the 'recipe'. If you have any questions or wish to order some products don't hesitate to leave a comment.

Challenge #1 - watercolouring

Challenge #2 - inspiration from a catalogue page

Challenge #3 - make a girly card

I've issued a scrapbooking challenge for #4.

xxx

New Goals

I've been feeling really positive lately about achieving my goal of living a more balanced life. I've had so many ups and downs in the past few years that it's such a relief to be content amidst what is still a crazy period in time. Here's a little list of some things I'm looking forward to (in no order of importance):

~ I've wanted to go to England since my uni days and my mother and I made a pact last week that we would go together and start saving straight away! I haven't been on a holiday since my honeymoon 3 years ago so, while this trip may not be for another 2 years (finances willing), I'm so excited! We will open a bank account specifically for our savings and she will just match whatever I can afford each week.

~ I'm finally going to start putting some regular time into my Stampin' Up! demonstratorship and my first party will be very soon. I was going to schedule it for Sat 29th Nov but one of my sisters (the crafty one no less) is away then so it may be the following Saturday. I have so much to do beforehand but it's all exciting stuff.

~ I'm going to start a new fitness plan. There are plenty of things I could start with that we already own (cross-trainer, fitness dvds, pilates, walking...) but I am going to bite the bullet and buy a piece of equipment that I have had my eye on for about 8 years. You would just laugh at me if I told you what it is (there's a famous infomercial you would have seen) so I'll wait until I have it to reveal! Very funny!

~ I am going to see if I can get some fun casual work for Saturday's. We could always use the money but I would mostly be doing it for a bit of balance and time out of the house feeling worthwhile. I don't think I would hire someone just for a Saturday (and that's all I could really offer) but I will put it out there because you never know.

~ I still plan on doing post-grad study at uni. I won't be doing this in 2009 but I'm aiming for 2010, all very achievable with the boys a little older.

~ I've pulled Jasper from the childcare he was attending (for too many reasons. Basically though, I was missing him and I wasn't confident in the care or communication between them and I). I really wanted it to work out so he could learn to socialise and just get used to other people but I will take him to the local playgroup and music classes for toddlers. There's also a library morning for toddlers apparently, which I would love to attend, but it's the same day we go shopping with my mother and he benefits from that time with Nanny too.

Ok, I'm fading fast and need to put the bins out for collection and jump in bed before my baby boy wakes up! Here are a few photos taken last week

Summer mini!

No, I'm not talking about my upcoming wardrobe (although let's hope I will be 'mini' soon!)...I'm talking about the new Summer mini catalogue for Stampin' Up!, and the fact that I preordered some products today in anticipation of the introduction party I'm planning. Yay! It's always so exciting to get a new mini! So what was my favourite thing in the catty? It would have to be Flower Fusion -- beautiful felt flowers in the most gorgeous colours! There are lots of gorgeous Patterned Papers too though. Oooh, and rub-ons, and stamp sets of course....even an extra wide double stitched ribbon I couldn't resist. I was quite restrained really...really! If you don't know what in the world I am talking about check out the annual catalogue here (and I'll post up a link to this mini cat as soon as it's available on the SU! site):

http://catalogs.shoplocal.com/stampinup/index.aspx?pagename=shopmain&fsid=273903e9-7279-44ee-8791-fef7cb8c3be9&storeid=1039381&circularid=12781

Here is a picture of Jasper playing in the backyard about a week ago. Do you think I need to invest in a bigger pool for him?!

Hypochondriac...? Me...? Never!

Nausea...Headaches...Bloating...Weight gain...Vomiting...Lethargy...

These are the top six symptoms of a drug I was prescribed. More than just being symptoms, these are those symptoms listed under the 'go back to your doctor if...' title on the included leaflet.

The doctor told me yesterday morning that I am allergic to this drug and to cease usage immediately. I had persevered with that horrible nausea (especially) for 11 days before it had progressed to actual vomiting! I was silly to do so but I have an awkward fear of not being taken seriously at the doctor's so would tend to avoid rather than be made to feel silly for wasting his time, as has so often happened in the past. I am slowly learning to be more assertive in the face of such perceived disdain...one of life's many lessons for me.

The significance of these symptoms (apart from the fact that my Saturday was spent sprawled out on the couch with Jasper jumping all over my face while I slowly sipped electrolyte-replacement drinks and avoided food lest it increase the nausea) is that I've been concerned very recently with feeling tired enough to question my iron levels and feeling quite depressed about my poor, unexercised-of-late body. I believe I even questioned where in the world could I get some energy to start a new fitness program. It's quite amazing how stereotypically bad my body reacted to this drug...couldn't have been more clearly allergic!

I am happy to say that already, just one day on, my belly is at least half the size and I'm no longer too tired to move come 7pm. In fact I barely sat down today and I'm still awake and writing on here at almost 1am (ok I didn't say I was clever, just more energetic!). The extra energy has excited me today...endless possibilities etc etc. The issue of why I was taking the drug in the first place still exists but with a new positive attitude and a little extra energy I say, "Pfft" to that!

Here are some more photos of Gabriel...also taken on a day when Jasper was at childcare. I vow to get the camera out very soon to snap my eldest beautiful boy! (not that I haven't taken any of him, I just haven't taken any decent ones, he's far too busy at the moment!) I just can't narrow down this sequence into 2 or 3 pictures so will upload many (thank goodness for autosaving...just saved me having to repeat myself oh so close to the final photo!). It IS very late. I'll go to bed now. ha ha

Thoughts, Shmoughts

I almost feel as if I have too much to say tonight yet no ability to distinguish between noteworthy thoughts and rubbish! I might just show off my new pram (yes, you can't miss me strolling down the street now!!)...and my gorgeous son, of course...

We had just dropped Jasper off for his second day of childcare. Will I ever get used to him not being around for those 6 or 7 hours twice each week?

October 15, 2008

Another big event I missed mentioning in my previous post was that one of my sisters moved back here with her son! It's been great having her around, I can hardly believe that all of my biological sisters are living in the same place! Our poor mother is stretched to the limits with spending time with us all and helping with babysitting etc and there are sometimes words spoken on the stress she is under to be 'fair' to us all. She however, taught us the meaning of the word (if she bought something for one of us, for instance, she always got it for everyone and made sure we understood how 'fair' she was!), so it's possibly to be expected that we pull her up sometimes. Expected? Maybe. 'Fair'? Probably not! Sometimes I wonder if she'd be happy if we all left her alone though. Even when I just invite her over for a cup of coffee she spends a great portion of the time just interacting with Jasper and Gabriel and ignoring me. ha ha.

This particular day, October 15, she was babysitting my two babies while the recently local sister, her son, and I drove to the nearest city for some shopping and my nail appointment. She took these photos of my boys (yes, let it be known that I, Chenoa Goedhart, did not dress my baby boy in that outfit! The outfit may not be the problem so much as the rise of the pants! ha ha) so thought I would share. Cute sequence despite the grubby face on Jasper and the wardrobe on Gabriel!

When we got home these pics of Gabriel and his cousins were taken, along with the one of him and I. I had to crop out my oily looking hair a little bit...I guess I can't get away with that many days between washes!

xxx

Life happens

It's been over 2 months since I've been on here and so much has happened! I don't want to dwell on the negatives (of which there were a few!) when there are so many positives.

The biggest event during this time was definitely my big boy turning 2 on September 22. We had a little party for him with family and his two best friends and it was really fun. I'd read somewhere (probably on essential baby) that parties are easy to manage if your child invites just as many friends as the age they're turning and this was so much better than his first birthday party where he kind of blended in with the walls!

Since his birthday he has grown up so much! He's communicating so well now and getting along much better with his little brother. He's still so rough at times but that will surely pass with time. After much thought I did what I thought I'd never do and enrolled him in childcare for two days a week! The social and mental benefits for him (and the one-on-one time this gives me with Gabriel) are hard to overlook but the downside is that, for the first time, he's having experiences that I'll only know about if he chooses to share. It was unnerving when he came home from his first day and played peek-a-boo with me because we haven't played that for ages...it was very obvious he'd been doing it that day and I could only wonder...what else? I miss him when he's not here. Thankfully there is so much I try and cram into those days (perhaps so I can justify sending him!) that they pass very quickly.

So what's Gabriel been up to? The biggest advancement with my baby boy is that he's started eating solids! I really enjoy this stage as I love making all the purees and carefully choosing which food to introduce next. So far he's had plain farex, flavoured farex, bananas through a sieve, steamed pureed apples (which didn't agree with him at all!), mashed potato (which he just hated), steamed pureed butternut pumpkin, and farex mixed with the fruit and veg.

He is now rolling and kind of crawling even! He can move great distances but it's with a sliding action that looks so tiring! He's doing well for a baby who isn't left on the floor for too long at a time lest his big brother jump on him!

As for me...I've surely had ups and downs but I'm getting through it all and my boys still put a smile on my face everytime I see them so I can't complain too much. I was going to post a picture of my haircut wasn't I? Well are two taken the day after it was cut.

Next time I'll get it shorter I think, so I don't have such a difference in the length of the layers...a 'choppy' bob would suit my personality better than such an 'in-between' length does. I love the femininity that longer hair gives but I have an awful shaped head and my thick locks are dragged down emphasising that. ha ha. I am feeling pretty depressed about my body lately too. I really really need and want to start a new fitness program for myself but where do I find that elusive energy that's required?? Perhaps I'll go to the doctor and see if I'm low in some essential vitamin or mineral before I beat myself up. Just yesterday I was thinking about all this extra weight I'm carrying and why it bothers me and not the next person. I came to the conclusion that I must just be more self-conscious than others, and I thrive on feeling confident. Yes, this weight has to go! Watch this space!

Another new goal for me is to host an introduction Stampin' Up! party in my home sometime in November. I just adore all the products and I think I will love doing demonstrations (based on how much I loved selling when I was a retail manager). It's too big a shame to get nowhere with this little business venture just because I have difficulty carving out some regular time. I'm sure that time exists in my days or weeks somewhere...for the sake of balance in my life I will find it.

xxx

'Long time coming'?????

The title of my post this morning, 'Long time coming', relates to a topic I didn't end up mentioning so I thought I had best pop back on!

So what am I talking about?? (a) A haircut, (b) a nail appointment, (c) shopping for clothes, (d) all of the above. The answer is (d) thanks to my sweet husband! All this is happening on Friday and, while I don't think we can at all afford it, he is insisting that I go ahead with the appointments he made (how much sweeter is it that he made them?!) because "we can't afford not to". I think he meant that I have been a bit depressed about my appearance lately so if we don't do something about it the mood around the house won't be the best! Having my nails attended to is such a luxury (even if I do get them done every 2-4 weeks anyway), shopping for clothes is so much fun, despite being a little scary (after having a baby and still being insecure about all the 'excess' things going on), but getting a haircut...my goodness, this is a long time coming for sure! I haven't had anything done to my hair since I was 6 weeks pregnant with Gabriel! I used to get a cut every 6-8 weeks and a colour every second appointment made. The last appointment I had saw my hair take on an orange tinge (which required 3 fix-up appointments!) and my hairdresser and I were in aggreement that I should not colour while pregnant...nothing was said about getting it cut (obviously!) but I've just been trying to avoid spending the money when the colour growing out wouldn't be making me feel like a classy lady anyway. ha ha. I will have to pop on with an 'after' shot over the weekend!

Long time coming

I've been avoiding posting in here lately because Remmy and I have been meaning to buy me some web space to have a professional Stampin' Up! site/personal blog and I'm not sure if all my posts here can be transferred to a new site (yes, I'm not very internet savvy!).

Not much is new here. Gabriel is doing so well now off the medicine he was on for reflux and colic! He's been sleeping through the night for a while now too. The issue at hand for him is the transition from bassinet to cot. We were going to do it this weekend but I am stalling. If we choose to have no more children it's so sad to be done with this beautiful bassinet (the epitomy of 'baby'). ha ha. Remmy is thinking one or two more bubs are definitely on the cards but I'm not so sure...maybe though!

As for our big boy Jasper, the issue at hand is defintiely starting time-out for screaming. He's responding so well to getting a warning and then time out (we're following the supernanny techniques) only I'm wondering what happens now it seems as though he knows he can scream once and get the warning (with the desired attention). We're trying so hard to get him to call out for either Mum or Dad instead of just screaming but he seems to speak in such a little mouse voice we don't hear until he screams!

Here are some recent photos, I have to run, Gabriel's just woken for a feed.

Nothing to say...nobody to say it to

I haven't written in here for a while because I've been so negative lately. I don't quite know what's wrong but I have a good day then 3 awful ones, then 2 good ones, one bad one...etc.

The good days are fantastic! It's usually the boys and I getting along with things happily. We might get out of the house and go for a nice walk or just stay home and still have fun. The bad days, like today, are so depressing! I wrote a list earlier of all the things I feel are going wrong but I won't bore you with the details. Suffice to say that I'm not in a comfortable place and it seems I have little support from friends and family at the moment (which I've no right to complain about as I hardly have time for them myself). Dark times for sure!

No doubt I will pull myself out of this funk but oh how lonely life is when you have abundant needs and nothing to give in return.

Happy Days!

I had another good day today. Jasper, Gabriel and I have been enjoying going on walks and today was no different. We were gone for most of the afternoon (as we visited 2 family members' houses) but about 2 hours of that was us walking along. I must be getting fitter because I may have slowed down but I certainly wasn't tired even at the end! The pics are from our walk yesterday. We've had some lovely days!

Oooh, I can hear Gabriel waking up for a feed so best go. Just wanted to say that he slept through last night...one feed at 8:30pm and the next at 6:30am! Now I just need to add a feed somewhere (as he was already only having 5). He's woken a little early so it might not be too difficult.